Login or Sign Up. Dating a Separated Man July 4th, I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 months. Circumstances have been less than optimal from the start. For the first six months of our relationship, he was "separated" from his wife for two and a half years but still lived in the same house with her. He finally moved out into his parents' home in February and got a legal separation agreement in April. I have yet to meet his three children or his parents.
He says it's too soon. He came "out" with me on Facebook for a few weeks until his ex found our pictures and threatened to take away his son. They have no child custody agreement but did agree in the document they were free to live as if they were single. Currently, the ex does not have a job and lives in the home they owned and he pays all the bills to the point that he literally cannot afford to move out of his parents into his own place.
She is supposedly "looking for a job" and he insists on this arrangement because otherwise she would move into welfare housing and he "doesn't want his kids living in the ghetto. He is talking about wanting a future with me and even asked for my ring size the other day I am having a nearly impossible time being patient with any of this. I am angry and frustrated that he can't give the ex a timeline like days to get a job before he puts their house on the market like he says he is going to.
Or dating a separated man forums he won't set reasonable financial boundaries that will enable him to finance his own life, too. How long do I have to wait until his family and kids are "ready" to meet me? How can he even talk about a future with me or hint at buying a ring when he is broke in his parents' basement because he gives all his hard-earned money to his shiftless ex?
By the way, their son is almost ten years old; she isn't raising young children. I am 35 and he is 43 and I am at my wit's end.
Should I be more patient? I just need some perspective. Originally posted by Mama. Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.
How is the father of your children faring? How did your split go? Who is in the marital home? How is your ex and father of your kids doing financially? Was your split amicable? You don't need to answer, you just need to realise that no two situations are the same.
It was your choice to introduce him to your kids and parents. Don't hold that against him. He didn't ask you to he simply accepted the invite. His finances and what he chooses to do with his income are nothing to do with you. You are simply dating.
Thank you all so much for your very honest feedback. I appreciate it very much. What business is it of yours how they conduct their dissolving of their marriage? Instead of being "patient" why not get out of this situation all together and leave him to sever everything and if when that actually happens, you tell him to give you a call and if you're still single, you'll meet him for coffee.
This is all your doing. You got involved with a married man who can seem to end it. You signed up for this mess. If you don't like it, end it. If you foolishly think he might some day actually get a divorce and clean things up, then tell him to call you when he does.
In the meantime, don't your waste your life waiting around. July 7th, I made the mistake of going on a date several years ago with a woman who was still married and living in the house with her husband. I felt like I'd been lied to in a way. She believed that "getting a divorce" or "filed for divorce" was the same as actually being divorced.
I wondered if I needed to watch for a laser target sight on my chest, and she said, no, her husband was the one doing the divorcing and didn't care what she did.
The experience left a bad taste in my mouth, dating a separated man forums, but I'd gone in without knowing that she was married. Your situation is far more tangled and complicated. Anyone who dates someone who's still married is essentially volunteering to be someone's side action and second-best. Mamaunicorn, I too am a single parent with a child and know the struggles of dating being a single parent.
I am not taking his or your side put can you tell you from experience it needs to be talked about before you can even have commitment. My daughters mom and I don't get along well and I started dating a women with 2 kids who was older and divorced. She'd been through the dating game with dating guys with kids. This was my first rodeo and I was lost.
He probably wants to integrate you into his family but doesn't know how. If you really care for him and want to salvage the relationship I would suggest sitting him down in a non threating way and giving him your perspective.
I don't like deadlines in relationships because they're often lead to control in the relationship down the road. I hope this helps. Let me know if you need anything else. Help Contact Us Go to top.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. What's happening here is the classic case of "a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. This is how you end up in these shoe horn type relationships, because being single and happy all the time exhausting.
It's no different than being in a relationship and happy all the time. Singledom has peaks and valleys just like a relationship does. For what you're doing with this married man is a tough situation. You're holding out hope for the fairy tale that he'll wake up one morning and see the error in his ways and commit to you.
Even if that does happen, are you willing to sit on your hands and wait for it to happen? You have only been with this man 4 months and you're already frustrated with what he's doing. You think this frustration is going to go away at month 8, month 12, month 18? He has no timetable of when he wants to get the ball rolling on divorce. Also, if he's been doing this for 2 years, who's to say he's not going to continue another 2 years.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Don't look at the situation as you wanting to change him. Look at it as does he want to change to potentially have me in his life? If he's comfortable with the status quo, then let him be comfortable with the status quo by himself.
Right now, you're just enabling him. He's getting some companionship and doesn't have to deal with the fallout of his marriage. You're keeping him emotionally warm at night, while you're freezing because you gave him the extra blanket. Sometimes you just have to look out for you and let the fairy tale disappear. No one deserves to not be happy and you're clearly not happy. Unless you know for sure that he is actively pursuing the divorce and is filing the papers and living in completely separate areas, it's hard to say.
With my ex-husband and I, when we separated, there WAS no reconciliation because he left me and he with multiple women after me. Dating never crossed my mind, getting my life back on track and in good financial shape was the only thing keeping me going. But that is my situation.
A close coworker talked to me about his marriage problems, and eventually they were separated, living in different households. He even served her with papers. He was also dating someone well before the separation as well, and told her he was divorcing his wife. He's taken back the divorce papers and they are working with counselors to save their marriage. You JUST don't know. This is a big world. Go date someone else that can offer you honesty and a future. For all we know, it could be financial or just medical my ex stayed on my insurance during the separation period , or anything.
Some people really don't like change. Since you dated him while he was still married, he probably thinks you'll continue to stay whether he divorces her or not. And divorce is a huge deal, financially, socially and mentally. It's not easy, even if it was a simple no contest divorce. Good luck in whatever you choose. There is no such thing as a separated man - they're either single or married. Sounds like you need to let go and figure out what you want. This sounds like a waste of time.
Also, who knows what he's told you is true? Four months is a short time to be considering marriage. You are just getting to know him. Of concern also is the reason that he doesn't want a divorce; because he doesn't want to pay child support. He doesn't want to take care of his children financially. A man who does not want to take care of his children will not take care of you.
You say that they have joint custody, which is good. Why does he think that will change in a divorce? If his wife is on food stamps, she has very limited finances which means that the children suffer.
What does he contribute other than keeping them a few days a week? His relationship with the children and what he actually does for them far out weighs him getting a divorce to marry you after four months. He appears to be a very selfish man. I could've written your same story many years ago. I finally took the advice others are giving here and ended it. I'm glad I did, because things worked out for the best, although it wasn't easy at the time.
We had a great friendship, but I had to wake up to the fact that this relationship wasn't going where I wanted it to, which was marriage. I also came to realize that even if this man ever did divorce his wife and marry me, I would always come in second to his children. This might be OK for some women, but not for me.
I knew I wanted a husband where I would be 1 in his life. When a man really wants to marry, he will turn heaven and earth to do so. Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". The key word here is " show " not "tell".
This man might be telling you what he thinks you want to hear, but he is doing what is easy and convenient for him.
By staying married, he avoids the hassle and expense of divorce and child support and possibly marrying you. End this now, and make a clean break. Even if he promises he'll get divorced, don't fall for it. Say you both need to be single for at least a year before you'll consider dating him again. Then never again get involved with someone who is not legally single - it's makes life a lot easier. Originally Posted by lastwomanstanding. What do you guys think of committing to a man who has not made a move towards legally separating, let alone divorcing his wife?
I have become fed up with this situation I am in. I do not feel he has interest in his ex we call her this, they have been separated for 2 years. She left him for the man she is still with. His behavior and the things he says are very inconsistent. He is consistent in his statement that he wants the divorce and does not want her back. I'd guess there are many threads here talking about dating a separated man , I heard a long time ago not to do that as separated is not single and I feel maybe that was good advice.
Rather than read the other threads, I'd first like to get live opinions. We talk, he tells me he loves me all the time.
He says he doesn't mind if I ask him if he's done anything such as consult with an attorney etc. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask. Because she gets food stamps, he is worried he will have to pay child support. He is a good father.
But he doesn't want the law to dictate what he must do for the next 15 years the youngest is almost 4 I get all that, but with the cost of attorneys, he doesn't even set aside money in case he needs to retain on e to ensure he isn't "on the hook", I'm just sick of it and wondering why I should remain committed to him.
I thought I'd passed up a couple good opportunities for dating, maybe they weren't interested enough, or maybe I didn't let them know I might be interested out of loyalty to this guy. But WHY should I be loyal to a man who isn't doing what needs to be done here? That is my frustration and my concern and yes, I do feel he's faithful to me. Two years is plenty of time to get a divorce.
Chances are you will continue to be his rebound person, if and when he does divorce, and he will eventually move on to someone else for the real deal. Should I start a relationship with him Is this the same guy or another one altogether. Your posting history shows a myriad of different guys and different scenarios so it's hard to figure out who's who after you and your boyfriend broke up.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Additional giveaways are planned. Detailed information about all U. Posting Quick Reply - Please Wait.
Search this Thread Advanced Search. Similar Threads what does "dating exclusively" really mean?
Nov 17, · I'll be blunt. Leave him to his kids. He has a hell of a lot of pain that he's working through. You are in for some of the spill off yourself. If you're dating a separated man, watch out for these troubling situations. Most women don't realize the tremendous downside of dating while separated. Jun 13, · Hi, I was wondering if any women on here have ever had a POSITIVE experience with dating a man who is separated, but not divorced. The cynical/realist in me knows that usually these relationships.
Carrington I'm dating a separated man Forums; General Discussion; Dating a separated man; Dating a separated man. Submitted by ileana on Mon, 12/18/ - am. Nov 17, · I'll be blunt. Leave him to his kids. He has a hell of a lot of pain that he's working through. You are in for some of the spill off yourself.